I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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