I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
