I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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