I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
