Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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