Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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