at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
