I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
