Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I fill condoms, not promises.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
