hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
