I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
