We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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