I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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