I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
