Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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