walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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