I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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