and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
