I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You made out with two different species that night
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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