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ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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