If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
