Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
