I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
