I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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