Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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