he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
