Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
