Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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