Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
