At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
We got so high we made milksteak
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
be right there i have to get my cape
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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