I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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