I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
