Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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