he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
