go do what you do best...puke behind churches
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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