I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
