I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
