My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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