wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
