I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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