I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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