I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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