he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
