did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
