I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
