I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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