I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
