Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
