Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
