sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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