if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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