her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
As shirtless as possible
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
