I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
